Bright Heart

During Tuesday's sonogram the perinatologist found a bright spot on our baby's heart.  She said that I shouldn't be too concerned , but it can be indicative of a baby with Down's Syndrome.  Of course, after hearing that, I cried nearly all the way home and for a little while after that.  When I was talking with my dad that evening, I was trying to put what I was feeling into words.  "It isn't sad, because the baby is otherwise healthy.  It isn't worry, either," I said.  Then I realized - it was fear.  Not fear for my family, because Robby and I have such a strong relationship, not fear for my baby, because I knew everything else was growing fine and I could see her in there kicking and wiggling and drinking and waving.  I think it was fear that I wouldn't be able to handle the challenges of raising a child with a disability.

Luckily, I have such a great support system.  Friends and family cried with me, prayed with me and for me, and over all made me feel better.  I woke up Wednesday morning truly believing in God's will.  Something my mom said Tuesday just resonated within me, and it made everything seem perfect, regardless of the outcome.  She said, "God had a plan for you and your family before you were ever born."  Hearing that made me remember the old adage "If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it."  Of course I would be a good mom to our baby!  Of course I would love her just the same, regardless of any disability that may come.  Of course I would be an advocate for our child.  Above all, I know that whatever happens in our family is all for the glory of God.  My faith was unshaken.  Never once did I think, "Why me?"

On my way home from work on Wednesday, I heard the Bryan Adams song "Everything I Do".  Ever since I first heard it when I was 8 years old (my cousin Amber had the tape - Robin Hood soundtrack - and we spent many summer afternoons listening to it over and over), I have traditionally thought of it as a love song - a romantic song.  But on Wednesday, when I heard the lyrics, I applied them to my baby who may or may not have Down's, and just started bawling.  I was crying so hard I nearly had to pull over.  Specifically, the lines that spoke to me were "Look into my eyes- you will see/what you mean to me/...Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for/...Look into your heart - you will find/There's nothing there to hide/...Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for/...Everything I do, I do it for you."  That song was cathartic for me in a way.  I applied the lyrics to a love that a mother has for her child, a love that until I had Abigail, I wouldn't be able to understand.  Hearing this song, and thinking of it in that manner, let me cry and release my insecurities.  It allowed me to come to the realization that I wouldn't be embarrassed or sad or anything other than completely happy to have a daughter to love and guide and help grow into a wonderful young woman.  If you want to hear the song, here's the music video link.  If you listen to it, close your eyes and think about your children - how you'd do anything for them, how you'd want them to be happy and confident no matter what life brings them.  http://new.music.yahoo.com/videos/BryanAdams/(Everything-I-Do)-I-Do-It-For-You--2138645

The rest of Wednesday and all day Thursday, I was able to happily daydream about our baby.  I would alternate from a "normal" baby fantasy to one where she had Down's, and I was able to see the good in both.  Although I didn't really think our baby had Down's, I still worried.  I'm a worrier (in some cases extreme worrier!) by nature, and I secretly felt like if I trusted too much that the baby was fine, then I would be EVEN MORE let down/upset if the baby was disabled.   (Remember what I said about her nose?  It was like Robby's!  Prominent and straight, not like a typical DS person's nose. Believe me, I looked at those sonogram pics over and over to reassure myself that her profile looked normal.)

As it turns out, I got the news today that my blood tests came back from the labs.  These tests would tell me the probability of having a baby with Down's Syndrome, and combined with my other genetic screening and ultrasounds, would be 96% accurate.  My heart was pounding when I was on the phone with the nurse.  "Everything looks normal!"  HALLELUJAH!  Based on my blood tests, my risk of having a baby with DS is 1 in 3,800, but when factored with my age, my risk of having a baby with any disability is 1 in 10,000!  PRAISE THE LORD!  Of course, when I hung up the phone, I grabbed ahold of Robby and cried and cried and cried for a good 2 minutes.  He didn't understand why, since it was good news, but I explained that it was just a relief to know that our baby girl is healthy and that I don't have anything to worry about.  A sad cry for all the other mothers who didn't get the good news I received, a thankful cry that God heard and answered our prayers, and happy cry that everything is going to be just fine.